When I read this ( http://www.glynniswhitwer.blogspot.com/ ) blog this morning it REALLY hit home. While attending a women’s retreat our speaker Shannon Perry ( http://www.shannonperry.com/ ) asked us to be real and to look for the holes in our souls. When I did God convicted me BIG TIME!! It hurt when it happened and I didn’t like it one bit!….. but now He is healing that hole. Although I know I have other holes that He will address eventually, the biggest one that needed to be dealt with ASAP involved a gift He gave me 17 years ago.
I was a baby having a baby 17 years ago. I was 16 when God gave me a precious gift who Mark and I named Chance… I happened to turn 17, 17 days after he was born. I’d love to say that I have always treated this gift as a treasured gift, but I’d be lying – BIG TIME! This is what God convicted me of on that Saturday afternoon. When I arrived home from the retreat the next day, Mark was the only one home and he could tell I had been crying when I walked in the door (which is a normal occurence for me…. it’s in my genes :). I couldn’t tell him what I was crying about until I talked to Chance. As if by “chance” about 30 minutes later Chance walks through the door with a friend. I immediately said “I really need to talk to you alone” so he took his friend home and then we went and sat at Sonic and I proceeded to ask for his forgiveness for the way I have treated him over the years. I apologized for saying things to him that a mom should never say to her child and for leaving scars on his heart and creating holes in his soul. He told me “Mom you weren’t bad and I know you love me and besides I’m not the easiest to handle”……….. BUT he “knew” exactly what I was apologizing for because my words had left hidden scars.
Now I can sit here and say I was young and immature and that Chance can be difficult to handle, which that is all true BUT…. but “Who WAS Leading E??”…. and the answer WAS… E. That was and sometimes still is the problem. When I start trying to take control, I mess up EVERYTIME!
Well I’d love to say that Chance and I get along perfect now, but that would be a BIG lie! I have to choose everyday (every minute) to listen to my Counselor and let Him take control and use His wisdom and words in the Bible to teach me to love EVERYONE as HE loves THEM, not as I would love them because “my” love is a roller coaster of emotions not of true unconditional love like HIS is.
My circumstance didn’t change when I asked for forgiveness, Chance and I still argue (frequently :), BUT… when I set my guilt at my Savior’s feet that day and He began healing that hole in my soul, He gives me peace in those otherwise emotional situations…….when “I” stop trying to take control and turn it over to Him and obey His instructions.