Gray Cloud

A gray cloud is hovering over me Papa and I feel it soaking into my skin, it wants to consume me and the light You placed inside me. This is not like other times when the gray cloud is triggered by something that has either hurt or upset me. This cloud has been building my whole life. I feel the evil surrounding me and yet I hear Your whispers cut through the fog when I ask where are you Papa. This is the strangest feeling. To know the evil one has encircled me and yet I can’t say I am afraid. I am numb almost and I am not sure that is a good thing. I know this is big and I know this is going to hurt and when I think of the hurt I feel myself becoming reluctant.  Every fiber of my flesh screams avoid the pain, just sink deep into the fog and you won’t have to face the pain, BUT my spirit whispers you must face the pain or you can’t be healed.  My faith is being tested; do I trust You, Papa?  Do I trust you to navigate me through these foggy waters where I can’t “see” anything but the fog surrounding me?  By the very definition of depressed (an unwarranted and prolonged condition of emotional dejection), I have been depressed for quite some time.  I have hidden and ignored it – sunk behind the fog so that others wouldn’t find out.  The only time I would let someone else know something was wrong was when something had happened that the normal response would be for me to be upset, but the rest of the time I put a smile on my face and then on the inside sunk deeper into the fog.  I don’t need medication to deal with this and I have the perfect Counselor already.  At this point I just have to acknowledge I am depressed and have been depressed for a long time.  The evil one is so cleverly tricky shouting ‘If you let people know you will make them question if God really exists because if there is a God why are you depressed? Doesn’t He promise peace and joy?”  so I put a smile on my face and only spoke what was going on, on the inside, within the pages of my journal – never to anyone else.  But the truth of the matter is I can’t answer why I am depressed which by its own definition reveals I am depressed.  And today I choose to listen to the whisper that I am deeply loved and together Papa will bring me through the fog… but for now it is best to sit in the fog because He has some things He wants to teach me here and the only thing He wants me to do is to seek His face and trust He is here in the fog with me, holding onto me.  On Friday Chance sent the following verses to me and I will repeat them over and over until they cut through the fog…

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Joshua 1:9 “This is my command – be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”… even in the fog of depression Ellen!

On Friday I also read Isaiah 66:9 paraphrased by author Ann Voskamp and found hope in it… “God doesn’t allow pain unless He’s allowing something new to be born.”… once again Papa – Your promise that You are doing something new in my family.

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BREAKING THE SILENCE

For over two and half years I have written only to God in my journal.  I want to be intentionally transparent so I am going to start sharing what He teaches me or places on my heart or what I am working through emotionally, physically, and spiritually because maybe, just maybe, there is someone who needs to know they are not alone.

I journal to process, analyze, and understand my own thoughts. I journal to welcome God into my thoughts – not that He doesn’t already know those thoughts, but more as a way for me to acknowledge He knows them and ask for His help.  I journal in hopes that someone along the way will read and really understand who I was.  I don’t hide my journal, I don’t keep it under lock and key, but I don’t usually share what I put in it… unless asked. I guess I want someone to really understand me but maybe not now while I am still alive because I don’t want to own up to the thoughts I record to the people who see me on a regular basis.  And I ask myself why???  Why not be transparent??? We all have scars on the inside.  But the honest answer is it is SCARY to let those who love you in on your internal struggles much less people you don’t know but I want to be intentional in becoming transparent.  I mean really if we were all transparent it wouldn’t be so scary!!