Gray Cloud

A gray cloud is hovering over me Papa and I feel it soaking into my skin, it wants to consume me and the light You placed inside me. This is not like other times when the gray cloud is triggered by something that has either hurt or upset me. This cloud has been building my whole life. I feel the evil surrounding me and yet I hear Your whispers cut through the fog when I ask where are you Papa. This is the strangest feeling. To know the evil one has encircled me and yet I can’t say I am afraid. I am numb almost and I am not sure that is a good thing. I know this is big and I know this is going to hurt and when I think of the hurt I feel myself becoming reluctant.  Every fiber of my flesh screams avoid the pain, just sink deep into the fog and you won’t have to face the pain, BUT my spirit whispers you must face the pain or you can’t be healed.  My faith is being tested; do I trust You, Papa?  Do I trust you to navigate me through these foggy waters where I can’t “see” anything but the fog surrounding me?  By the very definition of depressed (an unwarranted and prolonged condition of emotional dejection), I have been depressed for quite some time.  I have hidden and ignored it – sunk behind the fog so that others wouldn’t find out.  The only time I would let someone else know something was wrong was when something had happened that the normal response would be for me to be upset, but the rest of the time I put a smile on my face and then on the inside sunk deeper into the fog.  I don’t need medication to deal with this and I have the perfect Counselor already.  At this point I just have to acknowledge I am depressed and have been depressed for a long time.  The evil one is so cleverly tricky shouting ‘If you let people know you will make them question if God really exists because if there is a God why are you depressed? Doesn’t He promise peace and joy?”  so I put a smile on my face and only spoke what was going on, on the inside, within the pages of my journal – never to anyone else.  But the truth of the matter is I can’t answer why I am depressed which by its own definition reveals I am depressed.  And today I choose to listen to the whisper that I am deeply loved and together Papa will bring me through the fog… but for now it is best to sit in the fog because He has some things He wants to teach me here and the only thing He wants me to do is to seek His face and trust He is here in the fog with me, holding onto me.  On Friday Chance sent the following verses to me and I will repeat them over and over until they cut through the fog…

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Joshua 1:9 “This is my command – be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”… even in the fog of depression Ellen!

On Friday I also read Isaiah 66:9 paraphrased by author Ann Voskamp and found hope in it… “God doesn’t allow pain unless He’s allowing something new to be born.”… once again Papa – Your promise that You are doing something new in my family.


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