Flood me with unexplainable peace Papa, please!
I feel guilty for saying that yet I am so desperately longing for peace. I don’t have a child in the hospital and I don’t some weird disease so that fact that I long for peace for myself weighs heavy on my heart. How twisted is that? If I had a ‘good’ reason for having this gray cloud hovering over me I wouldn’t feel guilty. Yes, the enemy is playing tricks with me again. I hear You whisper ‘This gray cloud is real Ellen. You are hurting and just because you don’t understand how or why doesn’t make it any less real. This is a battle, a real battle that is really going on inside you! Don’t worry about what others will say and don’t pretend everything is okay when it’s not. Just because you are hurting with a hurt that is not visible to the eyes doesn’t mean it is a figment of your imagination. Today I want you to focus on speaking the truth regardless of how you ‘appear’.’ Then I wonder how I answer truthfully the simple question of ‘how are you?’…. once again You whisper ‘speak the truth regardless of how you appear’. I feel like I am not thankful for the blessings You have given me because I am filled with unexplainable sadness. I’m a mess! I am blessed beyond measure and I have been set free so why do I bring this heavy baggage around with me? More importantly, how do I set it down and walk away from it? I don’t like this cloud Papa but it is here and You know it is here and though I don’t understand why I have to trust You love me and know what is best for me. Thank You for constantly revealing Your love to me! Thank You for love me just as I am – a big mess! Give me strength just for today to believe in Your love for me and my family. Give me the strength to focus on the unseen and trust You are holding my family in the palm of Your hand. Help me trust You are capable of redeeming my stupid choices… as well as those that Mark, Chance, or Seth makes! Help me BELIEVE nothing is impossible for You!